Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
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Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab