*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
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BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying