ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
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You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Breaking news:
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
craving $300 all of a sudden
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.