Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
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it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
relationship goals
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent