Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
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When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!