who wore it better?
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The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
yeet
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.