ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
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murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Seems legit
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.