Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
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I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
According to math, I’m broke
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist