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Mike Tyson’s apartment building
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
I love art.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”