I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
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Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas