Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
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Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
This kid will have a bright future.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
yeah not falling for this one
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.