Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
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Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?