When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
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NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
For anyone who needs this today
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.