My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
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lol
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.