“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
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My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.