Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
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If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
I thought this was funny lol
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.