So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
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My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Cashiers are always checking me out
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song