Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
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man i love columbo
Raisins are grape jerky.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Many hands make light work
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
October already? What’s next? November????
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.