*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
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i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
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He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
#CoronaOutbreak
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
They got a point!
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
when someone compliments me