No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
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My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
crazy
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant