ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
You Might Also Like
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
2 years later
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
I needed a laugh this morning.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Everything reminds me of my ex
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
no cat here
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now