the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
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My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years