“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
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Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
“Theirye’re” problem solved
When you try jalapeños for the first time