Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
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Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
This was my dad’s browser history.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.