My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
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Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
couldn’t resist
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode