Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
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I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
I don鈥檛 know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why鈥檚 nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
It鈥檚 almost Mother鈥檚 Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Kid logic: don鈥檛 need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom鈥檚 pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Netflix My bladder
馃
Streaming on demand
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Nothing says you鈥檙e failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
I couldn鈥檛 afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.