-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
You Might Also Like
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
work smarter, not harder
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
What a year we’ve had this week.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁