NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
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My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
yeah 😭
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Investing in beetcoin
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.