[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
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It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.