“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
You Might Also Like
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Beware…..
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Got ya covered
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.