People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
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My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread