*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
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*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Mad Max: Furry Road
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.