I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
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Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?