My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
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Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
m’lady
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.