This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
You Might Also Like
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try