I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
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Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.