What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
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“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Mistakes were made
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!