“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
You Might Also Like
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.