I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
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*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Lol.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers