How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
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Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.