Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
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Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
yeet
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.