Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
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You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.