Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
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Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.