Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
You Might Also Like
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.