Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
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IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.