If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
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[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?