You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
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“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar