crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
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leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”