Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
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To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…