men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
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Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Reporter: *ports again*
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby